Personal Reflections…

This year has been a year of several(as if one was not enough!) quantum leaps for me… I decided to share a few moments as I was reflecting thanks to a friend of mine about the year gone by, since it was one with a huge amount of changes…of course the order carries no importance in terms of the degree experienced, since some have levels I haven’t even completely integrated as yet.

  1. Going to the movie, Madagascar-2, at the 9am show on 1st jan in a near-empty theatre, and crying my heart out holding my brother’s hand because I had broken up the previous night with the one guy with whom I had attached my life to. I felt I had lost the world. But then I realised how much of love in my head was confused with attachment.It was then that I started my journey towards truly ‘understanding’ that love, that was devoid of attachment, devoid of circumstances, devoid of the comforts that makes this love conditional.
  2. I realised at that time, Osho was right, “Remember, all human help becomes a barrier to divine help. My purpose here is to make you REALLY helpless, utterly helpless, so God rushes towards you and fills your emptiness. That will be the day of real rejoicing, ecstasy”. These days of reflection sure are days of celebration and rejoicing!

  3. Meeting great friends with strong subconscious connects – This introduced me to an ‘underlying’ world of Energy…by just ‘sensing’ and connecting to people, ignoring all the warning signals that my mind was habituated to screeching. It opened a new dimension to friendships, and how I viewed exchanges with people.
  4. Living alone – for the very first time in my life, I was living completely on my own through spiritual awareness, right from house hunting, to having a change in roommates, I used the power of intention and a greater power of surrendering trustingly to the best working out.. and it has been an exhilarating ride to say the least!Most importantly, I learnt what it is to have a physical space corresponding with a mental space…how the space between your tables/beds/cities can correspond to creating space in your mind by having lesser thoughts about them, and how you learn to grow beyond the physical spaces as your practice this awareness.
  5. Going public with my spiritual side – Working in the corporate world that appeared at first to me as a ‘closed’ world, it took me a lot of courage to openly admit to fellow colleagues about my spiritual side, and spiritual pursuits. I was able to break free from the ‘lunatic’ image that I had about myself so knee-deep into spirituality, and was able to accept myself. Through this I learnt to apply a very very important lesson which I learnt from Dr.Newton and Louise Hay – when you accept and approve of yourself as whatever you are, the ‘external world’ stops mattering…rather the external world ceases to exist. Everyone just feels like you are listening to your own self voicing an opinion to your own self.
  6. Freedom from loneliness – After doing over a year of Inner Child Work which proved to be the turning point course of my life, I realised the great fear of loneliness that we carry as children abandoned at some point in time. It has more layers than I’d ever imagined, and it has more to do than just delving into a memory, understanding it and rising above it. It took real homework, rather mind-work. Through the book, The Celestine Prophecy, I was able to understand loneliness arose when I missed giving attention to myself. I could figure out my defenses, the many layers that revealed themselves during intimate interactions, as well as common day-to-day interactions, as simple as the inhibitions related to picking up groceries. I remember not having a ‘human touch’, a ‘human face-to-face conversation’ during couple of months and utterly felt a mixture of claustrophobia from the feeling of being ‘trapped’ in my own loneliness and the thoughts in mind, and a sense of separation from the awareness of having chosen to sink into the depths of loneliness just to rise from it, which actually gave me a sense of monkhood.
  7. Growing in terms of writing – I could actually finish my first ‘compilation’ of poems! 🙂 BIG ACHIEVEMENT for me since I thought I was simply not gifted enough or didn’t have talent enough or ideas enough or wasn’t consistent enough to be able to do that! Of course, it was largely thanks to a friend who played the role of a passionate critic as a ‘necessary evil’ in my life that I could rebelliously rise in response to. Not just that but I could write for ‘Lifetimes’… a magazine for the soul-family (LRA) that has changed me for lifetimes and made me worth so much more than the zombie of a human being I used to be who was simply in auto-pilot mode to my past! I also realised different levels of writing – writing as a therapeutic tool to do self-consultation, writing as a way of channeling from your deepest subconscious, writing as a medium of catharsis and writing as a way to tap into a subconscious world of One Energy, One Consciousness, by writing poems.
  8. It was bizarre how inspite of being so evident right since childhood that I could connect with people through writing, I always considered it as a “by-the-way thing” and was searching for that one talent, one gift that made me communicate directly, soul-to-soul, that would make me stand out. Thankfully, through this search the perception of “being special” has also undergone such a drastic change, that the search outside has ended giving me new eyes to the world that is inside of me/us.

  9. Meeting the monk who changed my life – Meeting Nithya Shanti was one of the most profound episodes of my life this year, for he has been a teacher on so many dimensions that I cannot even begin to put into words. He continues to be a medium of great wisdom that is mirrored by my Core most-wisdomous Self. Through him, I have come to ‘comprehend’ and tap into feelings that I had no idea existed, let alone had so many dimensions, the first of which being Gratitude. For me he still continues to be a star inundating my soul with a feeling that I can only define as Grace, such that I feel like a million fires exploding in me with the power to erase and exhume all that is trivial. This connection still mystifies my mind… but over the year, I have known better than to lose touch with a feeling for the sake of mind games. It still is humbling to even become aware that someone can make you feel this way, for which I am still grateful to him on deeper levels.
  10. Working with the masters at LRA and Dr.Newton and Swapnamayee – To actually sit down and surrendering to the Masters to guide you to your deepest subconscious, and then opening your eyes and verbalizing it by simply allowing your hand to do the writing, with all filtering bypassed, was a project beyond my dreams, beyond my wildest imagination! The total surrender it put me into and the Circle of Love that I could tangibly feel I was operating in during the entire phase made me feel an inkling to what the Sufi dancers feel…or what Rumi must have felt while writing. I pray…and hope, that it was just a glimpse of the Creational Energies of the Universe that is to flow through me… Amen! 🙂
  11. The art of Contemplation – In one of his books, Brian Weiss has explained the art of Contemplation. A few weeks after I had read that, I happened to read Eckhart Tolle’s ‘Stillness Speaks’ which, from then on, has become my ‘bible’. I realised what a tremendously powerful technique it is, one that allows you to get ‘undercover’ in the blanket of illusions. Even a single incident of the day when contemplated can reveal volumes of information and can so easily and effortlessly alter your perception to the extent that one can completely drop all perception. It taught me Compassion – one that was really a natural by-product because you completely lose the ‘(dis)ability’ to judge people when you truly become aware, so that the only tangible feeling you are left with, is karuna and metta.
  12. Last and the most obvious one, has been learning to sustain through every phase – Some phases evoked bliss and complete no-mind state, some evoked a mind more noisy than peak-hour Bombay traffic and some evoked a mind that deluded everything and anything as ‘real’ and ‘fake’… through it all just learning to sustain Awareness by simply knowing that it is operating at a deeper level where thoughts cannot operate is a BIG BIG thing! To continue leading a life of fun where every thought, every visual, every sense, every sensibility has a deeper connect and yet keeping yourself decidedly out of the logistics of it has been a challenge for me, but one I’d like to feel that I am getting used to bypassing, lovingly. Rome could never be built in a day simply ‘cos it wouldn’t have been as much fun had it not been “laboured so meticulously with Love”…and sometimes life is like a slow, sweet foreplay, which I am just coming to understand! 🙂

To all who read this, may you have a shiny, new 2010 of Brilliance…

With all the Love and Light

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