What makes me aware that I am practicing the spiritual truths I have been learning all these years?
This was a question that kept coming up for me over the past few weeks. I was restless. Practicing affirmations, tarot/guidance cards, meditating and questioning myself 24×7 was what my daily practice composed of. And yet I was so convinced that I was not being what I was truly meant to be. One day I woke up in low spirits and decided to put an end to my mental sabotage. I called up my maitreya, my soulmate and teacher since many lifetimes, and poured out the whole story of what had been cooking in my mind – all complaints against my own self for not performing to what I thought was my best. She asked me what makes me believe in this story my mind makes. I was mum. I realized I was feeling inadequate. She told me to stop questioning it and just allow that feeling to pass on its own. To let go means to stop trying to do something about feelings like this, attempting to ‘secretly’ control the uncontrollable, and let them be. I remembered Rumi saying, “Let the lover be”. “Why question whose feelings these are?” she asked. It made sense. I allowed the feeling to take center stage. To completely encompass my heart. And it quieted my mind. I then asked her this question again, this time more out of curiosity, how do I know that I am practicing what I have learnt in theory? “Watch how willing you are to participate in all of life that is happening around you. See how eager you are to merge, to dissolve in this wonder, oneness of life. Ask yourself, ‘Are you willing?’”.
How wonderful! I thought to myself. “Be willing”, is my mantra. The moments when I experience doubt, confusion, reluctance, hesitation, etc. I know I am holding myself back from surrendering to the flow. As I introspected deeper on the tools I teach others and practice, like EFT, Switchwords, affirmations, etc. I realized how often I inevitably get attached to the technique per se, without really checking on what is the end intention – and I discovered the true purpose of any of these is really to break resistance. Our internal resistance, whether it is mental, emotional, spiritual, is the only thing that leaves commitments undone, makes us feel dragged and heavy. I recollected how through the entire last year I struggled with waking up early in the morning, reached all my appointments late, felt I was squeezing time twice as what it was. After a long Breathwork session, I had a breakthrough – I had an eagerness to wake up in the morning and soon enough started sessions with a client as early as 6 am on weekdays! As I was assimilating all these changes, I received another message from another lovely healer to drop my guidance cards. I realized it was time to give in to the universe fully, to surrender the mind, the body, the spirit, the soul, the heart.
I can see my reluctance flickering as I do the “handover”. And I persist. It has been three days since I have given up – rather exchanged – a trickle for a fountain. Now I am eagerly watching what unfolds in all my innocence. This time it feels easy. “I have arrived”, my soul whispers. I smile and recognize, ”I am willing”.