It had been long drawn – the calling to visit the Osho Ashram just 20 minutes away from my home. Yet I let it be. I didn’t know. I felt unsteady. I have the robes, but Osho demands more than just the color. He demands your longing.
A client walked in…said she wanted to visit the Ashram. I knew then he was waiting, hand held out, beckoning.
I entered Osho Ashram yesterday. Suddenly a peace, a relief as I set my foot onto his ground…thoughts subsided…all but one – a gentle whisper swinging along those aching moans of tall bamboos arching in the wild wind – so evident, so clear – “Yes you are allowed to be free“.
I felt calmer than I had in months…Osho was the face I hung on this wall called “the Beloved”. Right now this is the face and he laughs, amused, as always. I buy a photograph of his piercing eyes. At home I go and keeping his photograph in my lap, I enter meditation – the gateway of the invisible. I receive messages…like echoes moving down a long, dark tunnel. “Enter the gateway of your heart“, he says. “This physical love, this intimacy, this joy of writing, this pleasure of friends, this pain of losing, they are all just gateways…you look at them and wonder what they mean. Enter atleast“. He smiles. The meditation leaves me shivering, the body, like a quivering egg shell, ready to fall apart anytime. I gentle back into my room’s awareness.
I was looking for myself in everything. And everything changed…the money, the home, the body, the soul even. I am wondering, what has remained, for something has.
I draw a card from Osho’s Transformation Tarot – my pensieve at the moment.
“Have you ever made it a point of deep meditation to know what you are searching for? No. Even if in some vague moments, dreaming moments, you have some inkling of what you are searching for, it is never precise, it is never exact. You have not yet defined it.
If you try to define it, the more it becomes defined the more you will feel that there is no need to search for it. The search can continue only in a state of vagueness, in a state of dreaming; when things are not clear you simply go on searching. Pulled by some inner urge, pushed by some inner urgency, one thing you do know: you need to search. This is an inner need. But you don’t know what you are seeking. And unless you know what you are seeking, how can you find it? ”
So I seek to define what hasn’t changed and I see a list emerging as thus:
* the awareness that i am not moving at all
* the awareness of breathing
* the discomfort of pain
* the love for happiness
* the ecstasy of being in love
* the recognition of my own self in the face of a lover
* the joy of being kind
* the recognition that i am alone
I meditate on these unmoveable and unchanging feelings that have no boundaries because they exist underneath all I can call “me”.