Trust, beyond feelings

I look at Stillness Speaks lying on my bed.
I remember GD instructing me to question myself again and again – “Who is this happening to?
I find no answer. But a few seconds of pause.
I am watching more than anything else.
Thoughts come up – “When will this pain go? When will I stop hurting? What if this stays forever like this?”
I remember Nisargadatta Maharaj’s life. He trusted his guru implicitly when he said you are much beyond your experience.
I trust GD when he tells me you are much beyond all this. Maharaj says in response to a question:

My heart wants you awake. I see you suffer in your dream and I know that you must wake up to end your woes. But in your dream itself I am not interested.

I recall those moments when I have seen myself as big as the universe. Probably those experiences were just for that purpose – to remind me of who I am.

I open a page in Stillness Speaks to the passage that talks about death, and the loss of something. Without labeling, I experience the twisting sensation in my heart. The labels do come up. Betrayal, hurt, etc. I remember GD instructing – go beyond the labels. It’s okay if they come up. I continue to watch. The sensation ends with a wave like motion from both sides of my heart.
Eckhart says peace comes from going deep into that emptiness without judgment, without mental labels. It doesn’t even feel like emptiness.
I step out of the bed. A new day has begun again. More sensations to look forward to today.
I read a Byron Katie status update that says,

“You either believe a thought or you question it”

It gives me another pause.
What if instead of thoughts one just had questions? – another thought
I ask myself, Who is unaffected by all of this right now? 

There is a recollection of the deep trust I once had for Dr.Newton who told me years ago that my path was to awaken. I understood very little of it in hindsight but now it becomes clear. Had he told me my path was to walk on water, I would have believed that too. He had asked me to start writing, and that started this blog. He told me a particular technique was my path, and I trusted and followed it, which brought me to this present moment. A further clarity arises that now the person at the end of this trust has changed. There are several people in fact who this trust is projected on. It is like the projector is the same, but the screen on which it was projecting is changing. It’s a fortune that this knowingness has become clear again. Trust is not a fleeting feeling subject to the person at the other end. It is a clear knowing that is part of who you are. To have a person to project this onto is indeed a fortune. Under the veils of teacher, lover, mentor, techniques, processes, there is a silent river flowing. It is a matter of simply seeing in this present moment, all is okay beneath our wounds. Trust, for now, is just simple awareness. And I am feeling grateful for clearing my thoughts and seeing it once again.

heart of life

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