This was supposed to be the last post of 2011….but now it becomes the first of 2012! 🙂
Happy New Year to the readers!
Hitting the G-Spot
It was December – my favorite month in the year. A time for quiet celebration….like Christmas…like New Year’s….a time for quiet reflection…like sitting down on the swing in my room, looking at the sun settling itself down through the vast peepal tree that shelters my view from the outside world with a glass of red wine…or a bourbon.
2011 was the most spectacular year of my life. And I realise this not with excitement or glee, but with a quiet sense of grace surrounding me.
On 1st of January last year, I woke up at 6am in the ancient holy land of Trimbakeshwar – a land sprinkled with large, mystical, monolithic rock faces, one of which housed the Gorakhnath cave. By 7am I, alongwith my maitreyi-guru and another dear friend who is more of a Shaivic Shaman, made our way through the freezing cold small town streets to the Shiva temple made entirely of stone. Though I have visited many temples as a part of a lot of pilgrimages that my family undertook when I was a child, this time there was an awareness of energy that set this experience apart from them. As I watched the shivalinga being bathed with milk and the solitary flame burn unflinchingly in the innermost section of the temple, a part of me felt restored and alert – I began to feel a deeply feminine part of me awaken to the awareness of Shiva.
As with every year, I started with me wanting to work on myself, this time at a chakra level because I felt a calling there. Attending Dr.Newton’s Kundalini Workshop later that month was deeply alleviating. It was like a bitter medicine given to clean up toxicity that lay much below the intellectual side of healing. That set in motion long changes for me which I am still processing, consciously and unconsciously, in all areas of my life. Chakras represent the 7 levels of perception in our day to day life.
But the highlight of the year for me was the Rebirthing-Breathwork workshop in March which was a dive into the depths of my being. I fell in love…with my breath! For the first time I discovered how much pure breathing can be enjoyed! As I did a session with an open fire and a session in a bathtub, alongwith 2 more dry rebirthing sessions, I felt intensely rejuvenated – like a million cells in me were “lit up” with light. It felt like a celebration and I emerged fresh, new and more sensitive than ever! 🙂 This unfolded a series of events for me – a whole new space of creativity opened up and I went on to become a part of MTV India’s Coke Studio as Lesle Lewis’ production manager. It cast me into a world of music and the connection with him started the journey of restoring the connection with my dad and the music that connected us pre-birth. Abundance unraveled in another magical way when this story of music was taken up and published by Dhruv Publishing in a book that contained stories of transformation from 21 women authors. I was elated on receiving my first publishing contract ever! 🙂 (The book is available here)
As time went on, these spurts of magic ceased and I went back to deal with the meanderings of everyday life, I felt an intense discord with my job. All I wanted to do was quit and get into healing full time. Yet I couldn’t gather the courage to do so. I struggled for months with the dissatisfaction of “wasting my time” at work which I did not love even though I had no work in the organization I worked in. As I begin to make my way through the corporate chains, I found that I could rely strongly on my intuition. In doing so, I learned to work around my fear of authority (which came from a fear of my mother’s authoritativeness in my life), fear of saying “no” (which came from school days) and I learned to take up responsibility – known as being proactive in corporate terms. Deeper life took me underground with each of these and I kept wondering what my lesson was that was making me feel stuck in this way of making a living.
This mental noise took up giant proportions and so I decided to go in for Vipassana to understand my mind, and if possible, heal it. What happened during Vipassana is an experience beyond my understanding although there was a lot of intellectual learning. On my birthday which coincided with the 10th & final day of the course, I left feeling like I had just been treated for a wound that will take many months to heal – there seemed to be a dull ache of sorts, a numbness. The beauty of this was that it stripped away the excesses, however brutally. It brought about a letting go of the spiritual books I had been reading for years and I could gift them to my friends as a part of my birthday gratitude gesture. It also helped me let go of the dependence on tarot cards, Facebook posts of friends, meeting people out of socializing needs, reaching out urgently every time I had an issue that I could not solve within. I learned upekkha – the value of trust and equanimity – has to be mastered over time.
On parallel lines all this transformation was coincided by the presence of my brother interning in our hometown. Being with him is like finding the glue that holds us. He is the youngest and the wisest of us all and we learned to re-bond over music, history, art, Android and most of all, travel. Being the enlightened one that he is, we learned to bond deeper in a way we had never before. I experienced magic, being with my family and laughing and having fun, immersing in hours of conversation about music, going misty eyed over poetry and reminiscing about life in the wee hours of morning. It seemed all my personal journey of the past 4 years of trying to understand and finding happiness within my family had finally paid off! And my brother was the medium of grace. I hit what I fondly call G-spot – the Gratitude Spot – seeing that just through my inner transformations, my whole world has changed. I had finally emerged into light from the tunnels of despair. I have been floating in this state of gratitude for every individual who has chiseled out the excesses from me and brought me here. Most of all, I am in awe of life. Life can turn so sweet within a moment that you naturally reach out for more. Like hitting an unexpected caramelized nut in a dark chocolate bar that leaves you succulently incomplete in delight!
Now, over the past few months I have been patiently living the quiet, common life. The big waves have come and gone and it seems like the afternoon of stillness is here. In this phase I am relishing this lack of activity, this dearth of excitement. The subtleties are promising. I already am filled with an inner knowing of how the next year is going to be. A deeper chapter of listening more intently to life & people beckons. Healing a long-waged battle with time beckons. More now than ever, I know I am being challenged to discover my true self in relationships and that is largely what I look inward to. A connect from lifetimes ago has re-entered to show me the way to face the artist in me and I am looking forward to yet another aspect of this journey. To see myself writing poetry on one hand and writing a software code on the other, both with ease has been comforting and is a compass guiding me to look at artistry in a newer way than ever before. I can see giant spaces between paradoxes and there is a deeper curiosity to see what lies beneath this tapestry of gifts. I can already hear the Gift Spot chiming and leading me into the zone to discover that the biggest form of art is life itself.
I leave you with a lovely quote by J.Krishnamurti and wish you a more transformational 2012 ahead. May the coming year deepen our connections with each other…I gently intend.
“Freedom and love go together. Love is not a reaction. If I love you because you love me, that is mere trade, a thing to be bought in the market; it is not love. To love is not to ask anything in return, not even to feel that you are giving something- and it is only such love that can know freedom.”
~ Jiddu Krishnamurti