This post by Sangeeta Bhagwat is so timely!
As I re-blog this, I share a discovery I made just yesterday while talking to another therapist-friend.
I was sharing with her how guilt has been such a prominent part of my life… it was guilt not just about the “big” things, such as being happy or wanting to be recognized, but also about the most mundane things, such as needing money, being late for appointments, being intimate, buying good clothes.
For years I have been working to get rid of this guilt and yet, after every few months it comes up. This time when I took the leap to explore different avenues in doing what my heart has been desiring for a long time, I was submerged in guilt. Since days my mind has been playing games, and the inner child has been grieving.
Yesterday as this friend heard me out, she asked me why are you doing any of those things? Because it seems you are doing things just for the sake of rebelling, she said. It stirred something deep within me. I started connecting the dots as to how being a rebel excited me… and yet it kept giving rise to a lot of self-destruction. It made me stick to a different pattern so that I could be “different”. As I uncovered deeper layers, everything that gave rise to guilt, had risen from a rebellious consciousness.
Recently I had done a session with a client to recognize the different voices that came up in even ordinary situations. There we identified sub-personalities such as a Critical Self, a Poor-Me Self, an Aloof Self, etc. When I connected this exercise to myself, I discovered the Rebel Child Self and identified her traits as –
1. She loves to fight
2. She loves to go against the world/nature/herself
3. Her basic purpose is to be different, whatever the consequence
As I tapped into my own energies of fighting, I also discovered that this child Self is tired now. I connected to how limiting it was to have her function within me – It stopped me from effortlessness, stopped me from being one with groups of people, stopped me from following my heart and expressing affection, stopped me from acknowledging my vulnerabilities and stopped me from standing up for myself where I need to make my stand clear.
As I prepare to completely accept and embrace her as a part of me now, I also express my gratitude to her for serving me all those years. Without her I would never have come this far in my search for peace, without her I would have never questioned what relationships are all about, without her I would have never been vocal about my spiritual explorations.
But now it was time to let her go. There is no need to fight. A greater, more compassionate and fun-loving ‘me’ can take over. And I watch her patiently exhaust herself.