After a year of feeling isolated and wanting to stay in my shell, I felt like going out among a group of people I recently met at a retreat to celebrate new year’s. The last day of the year was incidentally also the last day of me serving in the corporate world.
My day began with Aalif thanking me for encouraging his posts. It was actually my turn to thank him for writing them. I receive his posts as signposts to staying centred. His posts were my calling to take a higher step for my healing and connect to GD so as to overcome the overwhelm of having to do it all on my own that I had been feeling for a long time. I thanked myself for being a good receiver. And a reader! After all I am a reader first! 🙂
Checking my mail I saw an email from a friend I recently got acquainted to who was looking forward to me coming to Auroville and to my singing. I felt humbled. And deeply grateful. Without the perceiver the beauty would not exist. I thanked him.
As I reached office, I briskly wrote out the farewell/goodbye mail. In it I put the link to this blog. A few people came over very stunned that I do this. They wished they could’ve known me better. I wondered to myself where did I miss sharing my being? I somehow did. For over a year a part of me longed, nay begged, that I am much more than this mask of an IT professional. In fact the more I couldn’t share my “self”, the more unprofessional I had started feeling. Somewhere this urge had got to me over the past year. Inspite of putting so many bandaids through therapy, EFT, counselling sessions and trying various perceptions, this urge to get out and expand would still not go. The biggest fear was of course how I could sustain myself financially. I still don’t have the answer to that. All I know is that waking up to go to office made me at war on every level of myself, except that survival fear. And so I have chosen to jump into the sea with this Bengal tiger called survival fear tethered very close to me, keeping me alert and responsible. Hence, I was very surprised that I woke up with the thought that finally I will do what I’ve always wanted to do. Funnily, I had been under this misconception all this while that I don’t know what I want to do. As Rumi says, “Only the soul knows love“. I am sensing this is what it means.
As the day progressed, the goodbye was very easy. There was a sense of unburdening rather than longing for any kind of attachment. Subconsciously it felt like I no longer need to carry the weight of arguments such as: “I am not good enough”, “I am too weak”, etc. Also, consciously, I finally felt okay to go ‘out’ in the world and be myself without expecting people to take care of me. I could rely on my inner strength basically. I finally felt like I could give myself the opportunity to learn from my own two feet rather than take secondhand notes from someone and trying to confirm. I still have no idea how quitting a job can make you feel this way.
Another learning came when I realised that throughout this career, I had despised promotion. I avoided being a leader at all costs. Initially I thought it was my own fear of authority that made me do so. However, the first task I undertook yesterday was to organise a workshop for my friends. I wanted to be a leader. Wow, is this me?, was my reaction.
As the day wound to an end, I rushed back to cook a big batch of Arrabiata with spaghetti for my 10 friends at The Urban Ashram, Pune. Along the way I hopped to a mall to get the needed groceries and discovered that there was a “buy 1 get 1 free” offer on almost everything I needed to buy. Amazing grace, I thought, silently thanking the conspiring universe. Towards the end of the evening after what felt like working in a steam engine thanks to two batches of cooking, I was sitting with a group of young friends enjoying a light banter and the great food. We went on to write our new year resolutions (rather intentions). I remembered the Lao Tzu quote that knowledge is accummulating stuff and wisdom is letting go. I made a note of 3 belief systems I wish to let go of. We then shared our most beautiful moments during 2012. I had a quiet learning through someone else’s sharing that I had become too attached to someone in the name of love. I made a quiet intention to let go of this attachment. We then sat down to meditate as the clock went past 00:00. I’ve always aspired to spend the incoming moments of a year in meditation; after all what better way to allow the change of numbers to take their effect on you but to be one with the source? On opening my eyes, I felt beautiful. I wondered if this is the tone for my entire year? All last year I had struggled with my meditation practice. Finally, thankfully, it felt like I was being returned to my source after a year of separation. I thanked myself. We then cut a cake which was the most delicious cake I’ve ever had in my life! 🙂 I am discovering the sweet joy of connecting to people.
Today we woke up at 6am for meditating. It was a challenge for me because I have been used to waking up at 9am since I found no reason to wake up to life. I took this up as my first discipline for the next 20 days. To walk this path of being my own boss is going to require me pulling up my socks and really looking life straight in the eye. After the meditation we went to have breakfast at a beautiful spot at the university of pune where there is a sumptuous canteen run under a huge banyan tree. I was happy to just be surrounded with nature. I realised it is so natural for me to just be quiet. I realised this year I am going to just observe and accept myself for what I am feeling and wanting to be naturally. After returning home I slept all day. Waking up at 4pm, I felt thoroughly embalmed after having slept so well. It was as if I had returned home after a long trip.
As I wrote my new year message on Facebook, I remembered having stumbled upon a phenomenal Receiving blog by Amanda Owen. It has shifted me in a way I cannot describe. It’s as if this path has chosen me. It awakens me to a deeper understanding of how I “set” people up to approve of me and validate me. If I let go of this, then people are just people – just like me, waiting at arm’s length to be loved and embraced. I think I can take the first step towards embracing myself instead of just waiting. I am discovering self-love in a new way – that I love myself inspite of all my excuses and reasons I find to demean, disquiet and abandon myself. Imagine sitting with your eyes open and having that sense come over you that you yourself love You.
With this note and quote, I quietly wind up the first day of being on my own:
“Stop, open up, surrender the beloved blind silence.
Stay there until you see you’re looking at the light with infinite eyes” – Rumi
Wishing each one of you who reads a very Happy New 2013. I pray you see the light in your eyes that makes you so beautiful.