You teach what you need to learn the most, said someone to me once. I can now connect to the wisdom in this. A few hours ago, a friend spontaneously connected to me over Facebook and told me how grateful she was for a technique I had shared with her a few months ago. Interestingly, I had forgotten about the technique completely. In fact, I am in a place where I feel stuck in a situation (which has come up earlier too in my life). And yet I dwell on this stuckness rather than doing something about it, or just shrugging it off and continuing with my moment-to-moment connection. And here she was, sharing with me exactly how to go about it.
Off late I was being drawn into teaching, but my critical mind wanted to know why. Unless I find an answer befitting that question, this part of me will not allow me to take a step to really get down to planning my first retreat. One of the things my inner voice said was share, share your wisdom. Yesterday morning I wondered, am I so miserly with my sharing? Am I hesitating from teaching because I don’t want to give away the tools? Or because I am afraid deep down that people will see me not practicing these very things I teach? Turned out I believed it was both. However, when this friend spontaneously connected to me out of gratitude, it made me feel really vulnerable. I asked her what was working for her and she shared willingly. This moved me. We had a long conversation into 3am sharing each other’s stories and each being a therapist to another. It broke my own limited thinking that I am not willing to share freely and abundantly. It also helped me to really share with her that I was not practicing. It deepened our relationship.
Recently, I got into wondering why do I write? Especially when someone very kindly sent me some comments accusing me of lying and telling me off on some parts that were deeply personal to me. It hit home in some places and pushed me into the self-inquiry, why am I writing this blog? Incidentally, I got my answer through this friend. And here it is:
I write for my sake. I often have a poor memory where, in the throes of my own emotions, and perhaps indulgence in drama, I don’t remember myself what I have been practicing even if it has worked for me. At that time it helps to go back to the blog and re-read the articles and ask myself, “Deepti, what were you thinking when you were writing this?“. This helps me to reconnect with my wise self.
It is also a “safe” way to reconnect to people – as a reader or client or both or none. People come up and tell me they read the blog regularly and some even look forward. What goes through my mind is a sense of surprise,”How is this person connecting to something that feels so personal to me?”. It also brings me humility. My story carries me away with its drama and makes me feel special. This “specialness” however is not real. When people come and tell me how they connect, it shows me that beneath the drama we are all going through the same thing. It is truly very restorative. To those people I often feel like saying:
Your gratitude, your feedback, or lack of it, matters because it shows me where I need to do my homework. I am deeply touched by my connectedness with you. It gives me courage to bare my vulnerabilities in a safe space. Thank you.
Also, there are times when I lose my faith in tried and tested techniques and feel like a complete fake. Sometimes things flow out of my mouth that are wise beyond my conscious comprehension. I feel alarmed. At that time, I visit the testimonials page and read the feedback shared by people who have become close to me. Yes I might not even call them to ask them how they are, but I know when they call me, I am 100% with them in those moments. They all matter. And it mirrors back to me a sense of trust towards all that has transpired.
It’s a personal limitation currently to not be able to believe in Sai Baba, Babaji and all the other non-physical forces that my clients often see and meet in their sessions. I have no disrespect for their energies or for this connection they experience. However, when I want to call upon my spirit guides, I often find people like GD, Mauli and Erik more “reachable”. Sometimes it is an effort to even believe in angels, even though every now and then I have taught my clients to believe and trust in them and they have seen their own miracles. In those times, it is infinitely helpful to turn to this blog and read about those experiences when I have experienced 100% trust and connection in both the physical and non-physical energies. It reminds me that faith is about holding out a hand to each – the physical and the non-physical.
During my childhood, my favorite game was to pretend I was a teacher and teaching a classroom of imaginary kids. I loved being a guide! I secretly enjoy the motherly feeling that comes with it. As I tread delicately into teaching, I wish to start from a clear context – of discovering again what it is that life wants me to learn, by teaching others. To deepen this experience of learning. And yes, I am afraid of things going out of control, of being asked the tough questions, of my inner critic that tells me that I should know the solution to every problem. And with each of these I am acknowledging that it is going to deepen my understanding of what healing is all about and arrive to a place of consistent kindness within me. I am grateful to the one reading this.
Ubuntu – I am because you are.
In loving gratitude and humility, surrendering to this sweetheart sanghi who logged onto Facebook well past midnight just to share that I featured in her gratitude list today. My faith in doing a gratitude list every night deepens and taking a cue from her, I shall let a friend know that they were in my gratitude list today.