I have an issue with love. I thought I had control over who I fall in love with. I was taught, through various mediums that I [must] fall in love with someone who is wealthy, someone who is handsome, who loves me back. I was also taught that love looks like something – that I will be starry-eyed for him, I will want to give my all to him, have a house with him, settle down and have kids with him until death pulls us apart and even go into the beyond.
Today though I am faced with this odd situation of discovering quite accidentally being in love. In fact had an empath not told me that what I was feeling for this man was love, I wouldn’t even have recognised it as such. And that is the point I am still battling with. Is this love? And if it is, I don’t want to accept it. My version of love looks like I will be in love with a smart, young, sexy man who is head over heels in love with me. Novels, fairytales and sweet romantic movies have taught me. And so this is my point of disagreement.
I don’t want to accept that this is love. The man is all wrong and the relationship is hardly any relationship at all. And therefore the point of pain happens when he says I am willing to accept your love. How? This was not of my doing how can its acceptance be any of your doing? Have I even been asked whether I’ve wanted to be in love? Do I have any control over this? Have I asked for this?! I am in denial and disbelief. Love has to look better, this part of me says. I should be in love with someone who loves and appreciates me. But none of that has happened. I have loved people who haven’t even noticed me. And in reaction to that I have shut myself down to feel it unless I know there is a good deal I am getting in return. Sometimes the deal has come through but the love hasn’t happened.
I can’t seem to forgive myself – for ‘catching’ myself being in love with people who might not even give a thought to what I feel. I can’t forgive myself that I have fallen in love with someone who doesn’t reciprocate it. That it is okay to love someone beyond the set boundaries of right and wrong.
Reply from my subconscious:
I am sorry to have not loved you back. This history goes back several lifetimes. That you have pledged eternal love and found no response, no reciprocation. I know you are wounded and battling against your self which is so desperate and tired of seeking love. What makes you think your love has gone to waste? Is there any such thing? Whatever makes you also believe that there is no one for you? That love is only about pain, loss and grief?
How did you have the audacity to think,
that you were the one falling in love?
How did you have the audacity to believe,
that this love is even subject to your acceptance?
Where have we got entangled with the doership of love,
something that has long been known to be mysterious
How did you have the expectation also
that that which flows through you,
needs the Beloved’s approval?
God shuns his most intimate lover,
so that he is pushed into the depths of his being,
and the most abandoned corner of the world,
So that he finds God nowhere,
but in himself.
You my dear, asked for Love, and its deepest expression,
don’t you remember?
And in this odd battle against love,
You are losing your mind, and its associated dignity,
that comes from equations.
Love is not among equals,
But the surge that pulls together unequals,
and renders them as one.
So carry on, my dear, for your lesson has just begun….
Response from the conscious:
I accept the love that flows through me beyond my own volition. I accept now that I am really, truly out of control in the face of love. I intend to be guided by the flow of love within me now. I’m sorry for the identifications I seek in the name of love. I’m sorry that I have associated love with loss and pain and ask that these associations be uncreated, destroyed and deleted now, across timelines. Please love me, forgive me and bless me.
I already have.
A major part of Inner Child work is to write to your subconscious through a technique called Non-Dominant Hand writing and receive the response back, unfiltered. This was one of those moving conversations between my conscious and subconscious, processing a situation I was going through. It brought me much healing, as it always has, when I listen to my own Higher Self. It is mentioned in the Course in Miracles that miracles happen through the subconscious. And perhaps the greatest miracle is to witness a possibility where there was no hope before.