The Fear of Letting Go

A silent revolution occurs when you decide that life at this very moment the way it is, is enough for you.

In the past couple of weeks I have been going through so many highs and lows and through it, incredible synchronicities as well. Visions are working out. My beloved friend and mentor is back to Pune after almost 5 years. There’s also flowing clarity in the heart, a natural sense of gratitude has been sparkling like clear spring water. As I simply continue to witness, I was greeted a couple of days ago, by a subconscious voice about not having anything to fill up life if I give up my victim consciousness. Luckily I had stumbled upon this video by Jeff Foster on how we are the space in which everything exists. As I tapped on my need to be and stay a victim, I was led to tap onto the need to “fill up” life. As I began to understand it further, it began dissolving and I met the Space in me. The real Me who was okay to let things pass. I understood that the other side of the fear that something won’t pass is the fear that something will pass prematurely and we won’t be ready for it. What a duality! All through yesterday as I kept feeling gratitude, I began to notice many beautiful things. Like a long drive with my partner with beautiful, multi-colored, pastel bougainvillea adorning the roads we drove on as we listened to Tara Brach speak about gratitude. It was like a serene pilgrimage for us because that was the road of our courtship. We just focused on the silence and the space within us. It dawned on me that premature endings bring up this fear of letting go. Where are we letting go really? The people we have loved are remembered by us wherever we are or whatever stage of life we are in. But if we keep subscribing to the delusion that we have to let go of people, we prematurely push them away leading to wounded-ness and incomplete connections on both sides. Isn’t that doership? Isn’t that the ego trying to create life from fear rather than love? I dropped the concept of letting go and let everything be as it is. How are you trying to fill up your life with these struggles just so you don’t feel empty?

All this contemplation led me back to a state of gratitude in my heart while I shopped for yoga pants. This time instead of making a list to be grateful for, I asked my own heart what it was grateful for. And the answer came, existence. I was grateful to exist. I was grateful for the existence of my loved ones. I asked my heart what else? And then it replied, emptiness. There was gratitude for emptiness inside instead of fear. There was gratitude that I was relating from love instead of fear. This had come from recognizing how much I had feared at one point making a choice, making a decision. It further dawned on me that when we fear letting go of someone, it is not really them, but an aspect of us that we fear will be lost forever. Until we aren’t aware of that aspect of us that that person reflects, or we haven’t integrated that part of us, we will not be able to “let go” of that person. In fact when the mirror falls, it is very likely that the relationship turns into a lot more joy, and a lot more freedom. Perhaps this is Christ consciousness? A part of me feels very strongly that this consciousness is coming back onto earth through our personal relationships. Are relationships only about seeing an aspect of us and then leaving us? What is the consciousness that can make people stay eternally and allow them to progress on their path as well? I am often asking this to the universe. From experience I know that it is not true that we hold a certain “vibration” such that one spectrum of people only can exist in our world. Is it possible that people at different stages of evolution can co-exist harmoniously in our “vibration”?

I encountered a lot of fear today morning too prior to leaving for an 8-Day intensive Hatha Yoga program by Sadguru Jaggi Vasudev. There was a lot of trepidation within me and an intensive fear of loss. It felt like an eddy current generated from a stone that is blocking water from moving effortlessly. This time I reminded myself that I am the space in which everything occurs. Immediately I broke down as another memory of feeling my mother’s pain of isolation came tumbling through my subconscious. I was riding at that time. I pulled my scooter at the side and let myself cry. I gently kept reminding myself that I am the space in which everything happens. The fear dissipated. I realized that I have to stop relating from fear and relate from love. It makes miracles possible. And that’s what ACIM says too.

A miracle is a shift of perception from fear to love.

I felt clearer and went back to riding my scooter and doing my chores. Allowing fear to exist is perhaps the kindest act you can do for yourself.

Resources:

• Tara Brach on Feeling Gratitude – download here
• Tapping on need to be a victim with Brad Yates – watch here
• Jeff Foster on You’re the Space in which everything happens – watch here